i go jogging. it is the perfect opportunity to be alone and simply assess the days that have passed. i seem to have had more complusion to go jogging these days. guess there's just a lot on my plate for now. but somehow in between laps my mind drifts off from what was on my agenda to "think about" and shift my focus to what's in front of me. community kids playing soccer, one foot bare and the other with a shoe on. it's fascinating to see how other people share the little they have. or young athletes practicing their long jumps, with no care in the world whether they get bruised up doing it or they turn five shades darker from being out in the sun all day. in the bigger scheme of things, it seems my concerns are quite insignificant when compared to theirs. i'm just so fortunate to have this life and not other's.

but in my own world, my concerns are monumental. in fact they can really consume me. i am a worrier, i have sleepless nights, and can seriously put all my work on hold (read: making kids wait even if they need me for guided reading) just trying to sort things out in my head. if all else fails, i head for the track.

or hook up with friends. don't look for me thursdays after work because i'm usually with the happy hour club at bonifacio high street. we sit and chat for at least four or five hours. no judgments, no pressure. just friends, coffee, and lots of listening ears.

sometimes i find myself drifting off again, even in the middle of our long talks. i never seem to take the moment in for what it is. then i realize. there are worries that keep creeping up on me. concerns that are eating me up inside. since the thursday group has only been meeting for a few times now, i haven't warmed up to the more intimate parts yet.

coffee with another friend (read: bottled water and beer) has made me see things a bit clearer. i spaced out again when i was with this friend. or what he calls the "long, awkward silence." then goes the "what are you thinking about?" i say, "kung ano ano," trying to feign a nonchalant disposition. but in my heart of hearts i know. it is them again, making their presence felt.

so to keep my sanity i have decided to note it here. pay attention. my heart of hearts is opening itself to you.

I realized
1. that friendships are just like romantic relationships ~ you have to CHOOSE to make it work (and work on it)
2. that some people just create an opinion without asking you or hearing you out (= absolutely unfair)
3. that I am the captain of my ship and answer only to myself
4. that I will do what I want, when and where I want
5. that I want you to tell me how you feel (= i hate guesswork)
6. that true friends TELL ALL and ACCEPT ALL (= no room for judgments)
7. that the most unexpected people can turn into amazing friends
8. that this is ME (= love me or hate me)
9. that I just don't fit in ~ in places I thought I always did (= the warm, toasty spot i used to occupy has turned cold ~ and i refused to admit it)
10. that an area i thought was rather chilly has actually become quite comfortable (= i've found another spot)
11. that you can talk to me and I will listen
12. that you are more important to me than you know

and i will keep pursuing these places, these spots that always make me want to jump up and zip over in a minute. 9 will stay close to my heart because it is quite important to me, but the fresh air of 10 will always get me going. it is real and i don't have to pretend i'm having a good time. pretending sucks.

things are changing. i hope (you) will embrace these new things with me.

one last thing. it's not what you think. i'm not doing anything.

album of recent events
cria's goodbye party