there is a real sadness

can you imagine i have not updated this blog in three years? and looking back now at all my old posts, i feel like i have not moved or grown much from where i used to be, in those old days when i used to write for this blog so frequently.

there is a real sadness in my heart that i cannot deny. i am 29 now, still working in the same place where started out in 2005. does that make me a sad person? or just a person not necessarily sad but perhaps too comfortable in where she is?

truth is, i am not comfortable at all. like i said i am definitely sad. not all the time. but fundamentally sad. unhappy in my darkest moments, and have more than once cried myself to sleep in sheer helplessness and personal disappointment. i have been wanting, wishing, praying, talking to my lucky stars in the hopes of finding something not only new. but something rewarding, something more fulfilling. most importantly, something more FAIR.

i believe that the good Lord has created me for greater things, bigger things. perhaps not riches nor fame, but more love, more kindness, more happiness with myself and my work. and this i will continue to seek til my very last day. i will continue to trust the Lord because His love is all good and everlasting.

hey you. i am not worth JUST THIS. not worth just what you are making of me.

i am meant for so much more, i need only wait and trust. because our Lord loves me and has made me to be so much more. so if you want to bask in your power and wealth, go! while i will bask in God's love and everlasting care, knowing always that He will never forsake me.

this will be mushy

too many things have changed since my last post. okay, sorry. let me think of a good enough reason to explain my absence.

1) i have lost access to blogs at work
2) i have tons of work and tutorials
3) i have no more strength to go online when i get home
4) i have been meeting up with friends
5) i have a new boyfriend.

yes, i have been busy watching movies, going to dinner, holding hands, staying home, out drinking, going to market market, staying home and being silly with this person.


it is so special to have not expected a relationship out of this friendship but by some unknown configuration of the universe, we have gotten together.

it is amazing how he is always so positive and cheery and always greets me with a smile. he would do anything for the people he cares for and always wants everyone to be happy and have a good time. he's taught me to not take things so seriously all the time and that there is always a brighter, lighter side to life. i have no idea how he rolls with my moods and still hugs me at the end of the day. i have definitely been less than perfect, but i am infinitely blessed to have an almost perfect someone beside me!

please allow me this sappy entry because two days ago... he fell off his motorcycle and broke his wrist. of course i couldn't help but be worried. when i saw him i teared up for a bit and realized how much he meant to me. i almost wanted to curse the motorcycle, almost wanted to curse the circumstance he found himself in, almost wanted to keep him in my arms and not let go.

thank god it was just his wrist when it could have been much worse. what matters is he's okay and will be just like new in a couple months time.

i will not waste any more time saying what i don't mean, or not saying what i want to.

you are the best birthday gift. i really love you, and i want everyone to know :)

stay safe, my sleepy person.

are you for real?

i was watching MTV the other day and Rob Thomas came on with his new song "little wonders" from the soundtrack of Meet the Robinsons.

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away
but these small hours
these small hours still remain


our lives are not measured merely by the biggest moments in our lives, like graduations, wedding days, making our first million, or having one's first baby. i'd like to think that our lives are made more by 'small hours,' laughing over a meal with family, out dancing with friends, or cuddling with someone special in front of the TV. it is in these moments that we are most REAL, most free, and ready to nurture what makes us feel all tingly inside.

sure i've had my share of major moments, in fact if you really know me you know how intense i am, how i push myself to the hilt and really try to be someone i can be proud of. but these are things that we need to do. our jobs, our schoolwork, our priorities. and since i'm going to have to do them anyway, why not do it right diba? i mean if you won't do it right, then don't even bother doing it at all. that's what my dad always says.

after the moments in the spotlight, you always want back in the mundane. the song says "time falls away but these small hours still remain."

i love LOVE LOVE LOVE the 'small hours.' love walking barefoot in the sand, love walking in the rain, love cuddling, love tickles, love fleeting moments that are so rare, you wish they would never flutter away. it is because they are so brief that they are so, so special.

i don't like to play games. do you really want in?

:)

should i stay or should i go?

alessa, patty, and i have been talking recently about 2007 being our "make or break" year.. hitting quarter-life has never been so challenging, and the need to make majorly BIG decisions that quite possibly will change our lives forever.

1. comfort zone over unchartered territory?
sure everyone loves his/her comfort zone, i mean there is no better place in the world than home.. your own room, own bed, own bathroom (except in a foreign city and staying in a swanky hotel, that is) but even that lacks big time in "having it all" in one place.. friends, family, and all other conveniences of being in your own house.

unchartered territory?
plunging into the unknown, taking a chance, not knowing who you'll meet and what types of people you'll encounter, just knowing that chances are you'll get along with some and get ticked off by others, being unsure whether you'll enjoy your work there or will be pining for adobo back home.. having to do laundry, having to commute, having to walk out in the sun everyday.. but isn't life like that? it gives you what you give it. it only depends if you're giving something worthwhile.

2. self-improvement over friends
wanting to learn more, study more, be more, is only a human emotion.. that's if you're not the mediocre kind. i was always that person who wanted to stretch myself to the limit.. in college i never picked teachers, i picked schedules. basta i wanted to be home by this time and not have ludicrously long breaks. if i had a sucky teacher, i dealt with it. basta i knew i didn't want those evening or weekend classes, even if it was a rumored sure-A. if you want something, you do what it takes to get it. if you don't have an easy time because of a choice you made, then you suck it up, because you have a goal and you will work to get it.

friends?
friends are self-explanatory.. they still lie within your comfort zone.. they make you feel better.. they make you forget you ever had this problem or this crappy relationship.. hell they even make you forget your manners if you ever drink too much together. but friends are friends, and they'll be there as long as you feed and nurture your relationship, whether you're next door or in the next continent. and if they're the real kind, they stick with you no matter what.

3. career over love?
your career is still your comfort zone.. it is steadiness, it is something you know by heart and can do even if you're half asleep or whether your eyes are open or closed. it is the assurance that you'll always have a socially accepted way to pass your day, you'll always have something to say when you meet an old classmate for the first time in years, you'll always have money in the bank and in your wallet, you'll always have the glimmer of higher position somewhere down the road.
that's why we lose ourselves in our jobs. i know i do sometimes.

love?
this is not my comfort zone.. this is my unchartered territory. i am almost in fear of what it can do to me should i take this step again soon.. i have tried so hard and been so successful at being alone, taking care of myself, that it terrifies me to have to consider this option. we are at the phase of almost needing to be in a relationship, should be in a relationship, titas and lolas asking why we're not in a relationship, or just not being there and not being interested at all. this was me for the last few years.. jaded, disinterested, career-oriented, that i just wasn't looking and didn't even make time to meet new people. like all other romanticists, i wait.

patty asked, should i have had one right now for the last three months and i knew he was the right one, and he's down on his knees asking for marriage, i'll still say NO. i'm just not ready. if he could wait a couple more years then maybe i will be. i should be. i want to be.


truth is, weighing these things is really causing some stress on my part (i'm sure for some of my friends as well).. you know the song that says "be careful what you wish for, 'cause you just might get it all.." yes, it seems that is what happened. i have been wishing and hoping for these things for so long that they seem to have arrived all at one time. problem is, i need to leave the country if i chose one, and stay here for a shot at the other. one or the other? hayyyyyyy i really don't know. i just don't know.


anyway.. stresses aside. been having some fun in the sun this summer with friends.


i think i need another beer.

craziness

whew.. the year is finally over. i have absofreakinlutely maxed myself out for the past week. grade level parties, inumans, after school parties, karaoke nights.. aww man. i am so drained but so relieved. i will miss the kids though.

one of my 'moms' in school, mrs. clark


goofing around in the flex room with molly and soo yeon


end of year celebration with mrs. martinez's class

ms. ranson's class

chan woo

kyle

sakiinah, gaea, and kyle

soaked in the field! perfect after a warm and busy day. kyara, shin yee and faress.

roy, rohan, and sebi.

ang saya saya!


i thought i wouldn't shed a tear on the last day and i didn't until i saw soo yeon looking at me with tears in her eyes and until sakiinah said, "i wish you could come with me to brunei." waaah!
this is what i live for. forget the stress, forget the incredible workload. when the kids hug you and don't want to let go, you live for that moment.

so for now i will take a breather.. catch up on sleep and drown myself in telenovelas (again). i hope to catch up with friends and others i've lost touch with over the last few months.

phew.. the summer months are here again.

tang your howel in singapore

okay, so this is my holy week update. busy ako, what can i do? =)

i stayed with my good friend trish in her flat at pasir panjang. i'd been waiting and needing this trip for a while now, and it came at just the right time.

out with the old, on with the new. *exhale*

i flew in around 230 am on march 30th, and both of us being so tired that day, we were ready to collapse by the time we got to her place. sa pagod nya she ended up saying to me in the bathroom, "i-tang mo nalang yung howel mo dyan." wahahahahahaha!!! i will never forget that.

trish had work everyday so i would get up at around 1030am, get ready, then take the 10 or the 30 to Vivo City to have lunch. walk around for a bit, shop a little, or think of where i'd like to go. on my own i made my way to sentosa, orchard road, the discovery center using the bus and the mrt. don't you just love efficient transportation? and the E-Z link card was definitely the highlight of commuter convenience. except on weekends and weeknights, all the time by myself really made for some good moments of contemplation.

so this is what we were up to down there.

the 'tawiran' i would walk everyday to get in harbourfront.


red dot design museum. ode to alessa. incredible, out of this world ideas in here!


nawala kami trying to find the national museum of singapore so this is us taking a break in front of victoria theatre.


the national museum facade, right beside the campus of singapore management university (SMU).

the inside and the entrance.


trish and i were at the museum for two days because we just couldn't get enough of it! by far the most interactive and engaging museum i've ever been in. simply amazing.

happy commuter.


chijmes.


orchard road. wisma atria.


my only picture from underwater world, sentosa. these fish look like coral.


our wicked nights out. hedkandi bar at clarke quay.



i need to finish this, 500 pesos ito! trish tinamo, wala na tayo pambayad.


night safari. sorry no pictures of animals because bawal ng flash photography. "boo!"


at esplanade and hawker heaven. the merlion and the fullerton hotel.


and the ultimate highlight of my trip: authentic chicken rice from a chinese lolo with sugarcane juice. before and after photos. uly sneaking one last piece.


singapore is definitely one of my favorite destinations now. it is in this little red dot that i found myself again after weeks of confusion. you will lose yourself in its shopping malls, hawker delights, chinese food, museums, aquariums, and bustling nightlife. perhaps one day very soon i can come back and lose myself in the 'singapore experience' again.

trish, thanks for letting my crash at your place for over a week! for our long walks, long chats, long commutes. for taking me out and showing me around even if you had long days at work, and for making the trip a memorable one. i really, really appreciate it. i am so blessed to have you as a friend. hope you know that you can always count on me. next year, saan tayo mag-ta-tang ng howel? hong kong? =) miss you lots